In Support of The Prevention of Violence Against Women Week

Is your relationship healthy? Do you know what a healthy relationship is?  Whether it is with family, friends or intimate partners a healthy relationship allows you to be you and feel safe. In support of The Prevention of Violence Against Women Week ( April 15 -20, 2012), the Inside/Out Violence Prevention Team educates youth on abuse in efforts to empower them to make healthy lifestyle chioces for themselves.  Break the cycle of abuse through education. Healthy Relationships

Warning Signs...

Warning Signs

She touches her bruised cheek gingerly and says softly, “It was so good in the beginning! I never thought it would end like this.” She has just fled an abusive relationship following a vicious assault.

She tells the story of the relationship softly, sadly. She talks of its exciting, whirlwind beginning, of how charming and forceful he was, how he swept her off her feet and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She talks of the things that made her uncomfortable and how she had reservations and even thought of ending the relationship – and the reasons she didn’t. She remembers the times others expressed concern – or made dire warnings, the times she was afraid, the times she actually tried to end the relationship and the reasons it continued. She pauses and says reflectively, “I know now that there were signs…some of them I didn’t see and some, I just ignored. I just wish I’d never gotten into this relationship.”

What would have made a difference for her? What knowledge or information might prevent someone else from getting into a similar relationship? What are some of the early warning signs that a relationship may be unhealthy or even violent and abusive?

In the context of a new or existing relationship, these are some red flags that may indicate a potential for abuse within the relationship. Some are alarmingly obvious and some are subtle and easily dismissed, but being aware of their existence and recognizing that they are present - before becoming attached or deeply invested in the relationship - provides an opportunity to take a step back and reconsider a potential relationship or the direction in which a present relationship is moving.

The following are considered to be indicators of an unhealthy or potentially abusive relationship: (Statistically, an abusive partner is most likely to be male, so the terms “he”, ”him”, and “his” are used, however it is recognized that female partners can also behave abusively.)

• Immediate intensity in the relationship, including premature declarations of love and expectations of intimacy, i.e. claiming “love at first sight” and wanting to plan a future together or move in after one or two dates
  
• Blames others for his negative behaviours, feelings or life situation – initially implies new partner is great by comparison, i.e. “you’re the only one that really understands me”, then later blame is assigned to new partner
  
• Refuses to accept responsibility or be accountable for behaviours, choices, mistakes,
  
• Refuses to respect others boundaries, i.e. pushing for more time together, sex,
  
• Possessiveness including resenting any time spent with others and expecting the other to account for all their time apart or constant texting or calling when apart
  
• Unreasoning jealousy, including accusations of unfaithfulness
  
• Attempts to control all aspects of the others’ life, i.e. who they see, where they go, what they do, what they wear, when they sleep, when and what they eat
  
• Believes he has a right to all the power and all the control in the relationship
  
• Believes that his wants, needs, feelings, desires and opinions are more important than those of others and that everything must revolve around him.
  

• Treats others exploitatively. Others are valued only as they fulfill a useful purpose or meet his needs
  

• Has little awareness of, or care for, the feelings of others and little concern for how his behaviours might impact others - unless there is a corresponding impact for him, i.e. when his abuse leads a partner to flee the relationship, the abusive partner becomes remorseful but only because of the discomfort or inconvenience this has caused him personally, not because of the pain or fear he has caused others.
  

• Believes that he is entitled to, or deserving of, special privileges and special treatment - that he has a right to rest, relaxation, “toys”, vacations, freedom from responsibility or consequences, and to subservient and unquestioning obedience and compliance with their demands or expectations. He may expect constant attention, admiration, unlimited praise, and acknowledgement and an on-going focus on, not only meeting but anticipating, his needs and wishes.
  

• Believes he is superior – his choices, behaviours, opinions, ideas and contributions are of more value than those of others. initially implies that he –and you - are better than others, then once you are in the relationship, that he is better than you
  
• Believes he is justified in being rude, dishonest, abusive, if his expectations are not met
  
• Attempts to isolate partner from family, friends, work i.e. complains about and puts down family or friends, resents time spent and makes partner “pay” for spending time with them, may relocate to create physical distance from others, limit access to transportation,
  
• Is generally a good “con” and manipulator, using charm to get what he wants
  
• Is unpredictable - keeps changing the rules i.e. something that is no problem one day may be the cause of intense anger the next
  
• Has swift and unwarranted mood changes, and an explosive temper, i.e. charming one moment, raging the next
  
• Uses threats and intimidation to ensure compliance or otherwise get what he wants
  
• Often has a history of family abuse and unhealthy relationships, estrangement from family
  
• Is evasive about his past
  
• Uses sarcasm to put others down
  
• May be dishonest about financial, relationship, employment, health, living, or other, situation, i.e. says he is separated while still living with a partner, or wealthy when he has financial difficulties,
  
• May or may not have some criminal history
  
• May or may not have issues around use of alcohol or substances
  

Looking back, what would she tell someone else? What would she want them to know?

“Trust your instincts and pay attention to the signs. Don't make excuses for them and don't accept their excuses for behaving badly. Look at their relationships with others. Initially they will almost always be on their best behaviour with you but how they treat others will be how they treat you later – if they are angry, resentful, blaming, vindictive, dishonest and hurtful toward others, that is what you can expect from them once you are committed to the relationship. Don’t go into it thinking that if you love them enough, they will change. Make decisions based on how things are, not how you hope they will be one day. If you feel anxious or afraid or put-down in the relationship; don’t stay. Don’t accept their blame. It’s not your fault. And take time to really get to know them before you commit. Believe that you deserve to be treated well. No one deserves to be abused.”

The Newsletter December 2011

If you would like to be added to The Kelowna Women's Shelter Mailing List please email your name and address to:

community@coess.ca

Subject:  Newsletter

Do I Stay or Leave

What does a woman do when she realizes that her physical and emotional safety, or that of her children, is at risk, not on the streets, but within their own home? What does she do when the danger comes, not from a menacing stranger “out there”, but rather from an intimate partner, her partner, the one she believed would love, honour and cherish her? What does she do when she can't ignore the damage resulting from the vicious and unpredictable verbal and physical attacks he inflicts on her – and on their children? What does she do?

Every woman living in an abusive relationship, must answer this question and a host of related questions as she struggles to deal with her situation. “What do I do? Do I tell my family? Do I tell a friend? Should I call the police? If I call them, what will they do? If I ask for help will it make things worse? Do I give him another chance? Do I pretend it didn’t happen? Do I stay? Do I leave? If I go, where will I go? Will he really hunt me down? Will he really take the kids? How will I support myself? Could I really survive on my own?” And again and again, “how can I possibly stay, but how can I ever leave?”

Every woman living in an abusive relationship must deal with the questions, and every woman living with abuse must find the answers - her own answers.
Women stay in abusive relationships – or leave and return to them - for a variety of reasons. Most would say that they love their partner and that they don't want the relationship to end, they simply want the abuse to stop. And there is often hope that things can be better- his apologies after an incident, his promises that “things will be different” and “it won’t happen again”, the good times when he's caring and considerate and fun. Women often say, “When he's bad, there's no one worse, and when he's good, there's no one better! If we could just keep the good times, it could be great.” It's those extremes in the relationship and the dream of what could be that serve to keep a woman hooked in and hoping, often long after she knows deep down inside that it's never going to be okay and he just won't ever change – no matter how hard she tries, no matter how much she gives or how many times she gives him “just one more chance”.

When the abuse has finally destroyed all hope for the relationship, fear and damage to her self-esteem can keep her there, fear of him and what he will do, fear that he will follow through with his threats, fear of the unknown and of her ability to deal with all the practical challenges. If she leaves where will she go? How will she feed, clothe, house and provide for herself and the children?
When a woman decides to reach out for help, there is almost always a pivotal moment that finalizes the decision in her mind and leads her to take action. For some, it's knowing that she probably won't survive his next assault, for others, it's the terror in their children’s eyes as they cower before him, for others it’s simply the final loss of any remaining love or respect for him. For one woman, it was the day her four-year-old spit in her face and called her a filthy name – just like his daddy - and she saw in that instant the future man he would become if she stayed.
Whatever leads a woman to reach out for help and whenever it happens, it is essential that the help and support she and her children need are readily available. And help is available through the Kelowna Women’s Shelter.

A woman does not have to leave the relationship or involve police in order to access the continuum of services that the Kelowna Women’s Shelter offers. Generally, accessing service begins with a phone call and contact with an Outreach or in-house counsellor who can provide validation, support, information, referrals and help with decision-making and safety planning.
If a woman finds it necessary to leave the relationship, the Kelowna Women’s Shelter provides safe accommodation, including food, transportation and childcare as well as counseling, support, information, advocacy and referrals. Additionally, on-going follow-up supports are available to assist a woman and her children in transitioning to a new life free from abuse.
Abuse is never okay… asking for help is. If you need help or know someone who does, please call the Kelowna Women’s Shelter at 250-763-1040. All services are free of charge and confidential.

 

Taken from Castanet.net

            
                           

Visit Us on Castanet!

This spring, in an effort to create awareness about the Shelter and our services, we launched a regular column on Castanet, along with a full color ad, in hopes of reaching women who are in abusive relationships.  We also want to educate the community about healthy relationships and discuss issues around domestic violence and abuse.

We have been so fortunate that many of the shelters' supporters decided to sponsor the cost of the ads, and in the first month alone, visits to the 
Kelowna Women's Shelter website, increased by 42%.  The Castanet campaign was a significant driver in this increased traffic.

To get to our column, go to Castanet.net homepage.  Scroll to the bottom of the right hand side of the page, and you will find "Latest Columns".  Under that category you will find our  Logo & Column.
(Shelter Awareness)

A sincere thanks to Castanet and our sponors! 

You are part of our community, that is helping keep women and children safe from abuse.