Warning Signs
She touches her bruised cheek gingerly and says softly, “It was so good
in the beginning! I never thought it would end like this.” She has just
fled an abusive relationship following a vicious assault.
She tells the story of the relationship softly, sadly. She talks of its
exciting, whirlwind beginning, of how charming and forceful he was, how
he swept her off her feet and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She talks
of the things that made her uncomfortable and how she had reservations
and even thought of ending the relationship – and the reasons she
didn’t. She remembers the times others expressed concern – or made dire
warnings, the times she was afraid, the times she actually tried to end
the relationship and the reasons it continued. She pauses and says
reflectively, “I know now that there were signs…some of them I didn’t
see and some, I just ignored. I just wish I’d never gotten into this
relationship.”
What would have made a difference for her? What knowledge or
information might prevent someone else from getting into a similar
relationship? What are some of the early warning signs that a
relationship may be unhealthy or even violent and abusive?
In the context of a new or existing relationship, these are some red
flags that may indicate a potential for abuse within the relationship.
Some are alarmingly obvious and some are subtle and easily dismissed,
but being aware of their existence and recognizing that they are present
- before becoming attached or deeply invested in the relationship -
provides an opportunity to take a step back and reconsider a potential
relationship or the direction in which a present relationship is moving.
The following are considered to be indicators of an unhealthy or
potentially abusive relationship: (Statistically, an abusive partner is
most likely to be male, so the terms “he”, ”him”, and “his” are used,
however it is recognized that female partners can also behave
abusively.)
-
Immediate intensity in the relationship, including premature
declarations of love and expectations of intimacy, i.e. claiming “love
at first sight” and wanting to plan a future together or move in after
one or two dates
-
Blames others for his negative behaviours, feelings or life situation
– initially implies new partner is great by comparison, i.e. “you’re
the only one that really understands me”, then later blame is assigned
to new partner
-
Refuses to accept responsibility or be accountable for behaviours, choices, mistakes,
-
Refuses to respect others boundaries, i.e. pushing for more time together, sex,
-
Possessiveness including resenting any time spent with others and
expecting the other to account for all their time apart or constant
texting or calling when apart
-
Unreasoning jealousy, including accusations of unfaithfulness
-
Attempts to control all aspects of the others’ life, i.e. who they
see, where they go, what they do, what they wear, when they sleep, when
and what they eat
-
Believes he has a right to all the power and all the control in the relationship
-
Believes that his wants, needs, feelings, desires and opinions are
more important than those of others and that everything must revolve
around him.
-
Treats others exploitatively. Others are valued only as they fulfill a useful purpose or meet his needs
-
Has little awareness of, or care for, the feelings of others and
little concern for how his behaviours might impact others - unless there
is a corresponding impact for him, i.e. when his abuse leads a partner
to flee the relationship, the abusive partner becomes remorseful but
only because of the discomfort or inconvenience this has caused him
personally, not because of the pain or fear he has caused others.
-
Believes that he is entitled to, or deserving of, special privileges
and special treatment - that he has a right to rest, relaxation, “toys”,
vacations, freedom from responsibility or consequences, and to
subservient and unquestioning obedience and compliance with their
demands or expectations. He may expect constant attention, admiration,
unlimited praise, and acknowledgement and an on-going focus on, not only
meeting but anticipating, his needs and wishes.
-
Believes he is superior – his choices, behaviours, opinions, ideas
and contributions are of more value than those of others. initially
implies that he –and you - are better than others, then once you are in
the relationship, that he is better than you
-
Believes he is justified in being rude, dishonest, abusive, if his expectations are not met
-
Attempts to isolate partner from family, friends, work i.e. complains
about and puts down family or friends, resents time spent and makes
partner “pay” for spending time with them, may relocate to create
physical distance from others, limit access to transportation,
-
Is generally a good “con” and manipulator, using charm to get what he wants
-
Is unpredictable - keeps changing the rules i.e. something that is no
problem one day may be the cause of intense anger the next
-
Has swift and unwarranted mood changes, and an explosive temper, i.e. charming one moment, raging the next
-
Uses threats and intimidation to ensure compliance or otherwise get what he wants
-
Often has a history of family abuse and unhealthy relationships, estrangement from family
-
Is evasive about his past
-
Uses sarcasm to put others down
-
May be dishonest about financial, relationship, employment, health,
living, or other, situation, i.e. says he is separated while still
living with a partner, or wealthy when he has financial difficulties,
-
May or may not have some criminal history
-
May or may not have issues around use of alcohol or substances
Looking back, what would she tell someone else? What would she want them to know?
“Trust your instincts and pay attention to the signs. Don't make
excuses for them and don't accept their excuses for behaving badly. Look
at their relationships with others. Initially they will almost always
be on their best behaviour with you but how they treat others will be
how they treat you later – if they are angry, resentful, blaming,
vindictive, dishonest and hurtful toward others, that is what you can
expect from them once you are committed to the relationship. Don’t go
into it thinking that if you love them enough, they will change. Make
decisions based on how things are, not how you hope they will be one
day. If you feel anxious or afraid or put-down in the relationship;
don’t stay. Don’t accept their blame. It’s not your fault. And take time
to really get to know them before you commit. Believe that you deserve
to be treated well. No one deserves to be abused.”
